I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
