He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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