I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
