I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
