It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
