i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
