my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
