The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
