So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize