Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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