"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
