I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This is the high leading the old right now
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
