its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Damn victory sex feels great
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