This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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