Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
