You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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