remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
