Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you would pick up someone in the library
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
