Old men and throwing up are my life now.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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