I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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