we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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