honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I have aggressive nipples.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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