i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
