saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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