Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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