My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I need to stop coming to work sober
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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