Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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