all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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