last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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