eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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