curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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