At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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