you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
