There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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