She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
