Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
