Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
