A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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