I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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