I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
