i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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