New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
