in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
