Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
