Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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