maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
