Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
