Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
