I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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