This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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