next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
