There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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