sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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