I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
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