sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
