What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
