As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
