I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
