Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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